Disabled people according to the "experts".

N.B The use of the word 'expert' in the title there and in the following post should not be interpreted in the usual way it is in standard English. Here it means dickheads. Just to clarify.

As evidenced by ‘The comments’ expressed online there seems to be a disturbing number of experts who read that paper, establishing opinions on disabled people based upon a neighbour/colleague/friend of a friend/mother in law’s gardener’s sister’s stepson’s dinner lady, who they believe to be cheating the system, claiming disability living allowance for non-existent ailments.  Firstly, if they are cheating the system and they aren’t in fact disabled, then they are not a disabled person. There aren’t two types of disabled people, those genuinely disabled and those pulling a fast one. There are just disabled people, the requirement of which is having a disability. There are plenty of other words you can use for people who are fraudulently claiming benefits, most of which are quicker and far more fun to say than the word ‘disabled’.

It’s as illogical as meeting a dog owner who has neglected to clear up their dog’s mess, labelling dog owners as selfish individuals and then applying the term ‘dog owner’ to anybody who owns a small pet or looks like they might. I personally find people who own guinea pigs a particularly selfish sort of dog owner. (Just me or completely bonkers?)

Secondly, just how these experts know so much about their neighbour’s/colleague’s/friend of a friend’s/mother in law’s gardener’s sister’s stepson’s dinner lady lives astounds me. I’m not sure that there’s not some covert NoTW style phone hacking shenanigans at work here. Presumably they are around in the morning when their neighbour is not being helped to get dressed by their partner or in the toilet with their colleague whilst they are not emptying their bladder with the use of a catheter. Or that from time to time they share the bed of that friend of their friend to know conclusively that they do not experience back pain so painful it stops them from sleeping on a regularly basis. As for their mother in law’s gardener’s sister’s stepson’s dinner lady, I’d be gobsmacked if she was able to keep any private details of her personal life from the knowledge of a random person she has never met before. The likelihood she has a degenerative eye condition that could leave her blind in a matter of years without having broadcast it to the entire world is practically nonexistent. It’s inconceivable that a disabled person might endeavour to keep the painful reality of their disability from you, that they may put on a brave face to go to work, or that the trips they have out with their friends can only happen on good days when they are not in horrendous pain. Disabled people certainly don’t deal with the consequences of their disability in private away from the eyes of others; they enjoy suffering as loudly and as publicly as possible don’t they?

 It may not help my chances of satisfying the neighbourhood crip-watch to use the words “check up” as a generic term to describe every hospital appointment I have to attend, but I don’t much fancy describing in great detail the intrusive procedures I have that leave me embarrassed and exhausted, to anyone. Awkward little bugger aren’t I? I could play wheelchair basketball but that wouldn’t make me any less paralysed from the chest down, it wouldn’t mean I was actually Kobe Bryant in a highly elaborate disguise. It’s quite terrifying that the same experts able to assess disability by means of super natural powers and extrasensory perception could be called for jury service at some point in their lives. Best not to leave the possibility of that kind of neighbour signing for your CSI: New York box set to chance, they’ll be on the phone to the FBI faster than you can say ballistics.

I realise there are people who say they have a severe mobility impairing disability, claim disability living allowance and are then spotted skipping about town, performing the Paso Doble down the freezer isle in the co-op or  Lionel Messi-ing their way to the top of the local 5-a-side league. These people are not disabled though, they are bloody liars. You could however do all those things and have a terminal illness and just be taking the opportunity to use the strength in your body whilst you still can, to enjoy the things you love for as long as possible. Very sadly it wouldn’t make you any less terminally ill. Disabled people, having hobbies, having relationships, going on holiday, taking their kids out, enjoying life should not have to worry about being mistaken for con-artists and benefit fraudsters. They should just be allowed to get on with living. The unpredictable pain I get as a consequence of my scoliosis (curvature of the spine) doesn’t prevent me going out with my mates and getting hideously drunk on the odd occasion, it does however make it very difficult to maintain a full-time job. I would happily swap the occasional hideous drunkenness for the ability to work full time. Unfortunately I’ve heard that regular naps and dependence on opiate based pain killers are frowned upon in most working environments these days. I’ll find a way around it though; I’ll become a rock star or something.

You see that’s another thing that a scary amount of experts who read the paper that shall not be named, feel qualified to talk about. Jobs. Or rather people who don’t have them and the reasons for that. Basically, it’s laziness, bone idleness, a lack of self respect. There are generally no other reasons why people don’t have jobs according to these experts, who are all knowledgeable on the subject. Well some people don’t have a job because they are on death’s door, that’s allowed. If you are just disabled and not on death’s door and still jobless then it is highly likely you are lazy, bone idle or lack self respect. Either that or you have diagnosed yourself with having some made up affliction in a highly calculating and conniving attempt to ensure you never have to miss an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Because, well, that is what you live for. All the while the government are handing out FREE  luxury  sport cars to you, that you let your scumbag good-for-nothing relatives drive while you sit around at home all day being disabled and laughing at those less fortunate than you who have careers and stuff. Any disabled person who thinks (delusionally) that there are any other reasons for them not having a job, are plain wrong.